The last teabag

#038 Home comfort and self care

I open the cupboard and reach up for the jar. ‘My shelf’ is just above my eye level, so I can’t see the bottom of the container from where I’m standing despite it being glass. I feel the bumps on the side of the jar as my hand grips around to bring it down from the shelf. The glass is cool to touch, and slightly sticky. Instead of buying storage jars, I’ve repurposed the Cost-u-less tomato sauce jars but neither the dishwasher nor my scrubbing hands could remove all the glue from the label. It will do for now…

Placing the jar on the counter, I can see inside. I unscrew the metal lid and it clinks on the counter when I place it down beside my mug. The kettle breathes heavily as it starts to boil, and bubbles jump up in the water indicator, as if eager to join in the announcement that it is ready. The almond milk carton is just beside my mug, lid off, ready to go.

I have all the parts, but pause before reaching my left hand into the jar for the tea bag, and lifting the kettle with my right to pour the hot water into the mug.

This will be a milestone cup of tea.

This week marked two significant milestones; three months of me being a resident of the Cayman Islands, and using the last tea bag from the U.K. The picture above shows the final stages of making that last cup of tea from the tea bags packed up in my suitcases, not knowing what life in the Caribbean would be like.

It’s been quite a journey, these last three months.

It’s been quite a journey, getting through this last week, and for this reason this week’s topic is self care!

Compassion recap

I’ve been qualified as a clinical psychologist for 20 years, and much of my work has been with parents, and paid carers and professionals. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve talked to a parent or carer about the importance of self care, and the analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before putting it on anyone else I probably would not be terribly rich, but I could certainly take a friend out for a good dinner! We all know the truth in this maxim intellectually, but many people find it hard to put into place.

It can be hard to be compassionate to ourselves.

Back in September I wrote about the bees that I was scooping out of the swimming pool, and referred to Paul Gilbert’s Compassion Focussed Therapy and models of compassion (click here for the original article for a recap, or click on the link at the bottom of the page). The aspects most pertinent to our self-care are the three directional flows of compassion- compassion to others, compassion from others, and compassion to self.

from www.nicabm.com

Many parents, carers, and people in the caring professions are much more practiced and sometimes more comfortable with the compassion to others than the compassion to self elements. We can never have too many reminders that if we do not put our own oxygen masks on, we will burn out.

Home comforts

Home comforts, and things that remind of us of home are anchor points in big transitions. When you pack up a life into two large suitcases and carry on bags and move to another country the decisions that you make about what to pack and what not to pack bring this into sharp focus.

What takes up the precious space and weight allowance? Do you take an extra pair of shoes or the hair straighteners that you are not sure will fit the overseas voltage?

There is a battle between what you need and what is important emotionally.

I thought teabags fell into both categories- something I knew I would want as soon as I landed in my new home, and something that brought comfort knowing I had brought them for myself. I brought a supply of redbush or rooibos tea and decaf earl grey, not knowing if they would be available here. I’m yet to find them on island, without paying ridiculous prices for a box of about 20 tea bags, so it was a wise decision. Even if my autumnal nights would not be spent curled up on a sofa with a blanket and a book (they weren’t), I would be able to buy a big mug and sit with a familiar cup of decaffeinated tea.

Slowing down the morning routine by taking a cup of tea out on the porch to watch the waves, having one in my hand during a video call home, or sitting it beside me as I’m working from home on a report. These are all examples of self-care.

It cut a little strand to home to make that last cup of tea.

But it’s important to remember that in the time it’s taken to drink those tea bags new roots have grown here, and I’ve been weathering some pretty big storms. This is how change and psychological growth happens, and our task is to keep on taking the next step; letting go of the things that are from another time or place, and welcoming the new shoots that emerge.

All within a frame of tender loving self-care.

We cannot control everything, but we can develop a compassionate attitude.

Meaningful self-care

When we talk about self-care we can be influenced by marketers who try to link well-being with pampering e.g. trying to sell us a massage, a facial, pretty nails, a great hair cut, new clothes, make up, an exotic holiday. All of these things of course can be beneficial to our mood and well-being, but they tend to be short-lived, and expensive!

A model that I like to come back to in my work helps us to consider all aspects of our body and brain health- The Healthy Mind Platter, developed by Daniel Rock and Dan Siegel, 2011. Taking a structured approach to reviewing our self-care practices helps us to can see our blind spots and our preferences.

Rock and Siegel identify ‘(s)even daily essential mental activities to optimize brain matter and create well-being’.

Sleep time - Good sleep gives the brain the rest it needs. Sleep consolidates the learning and aids recovery from the our daily experiences.

Physical time- movement ‘strengthens the brain’ and keeps us physically fit

Focus time - The close focus on tasks in a goal-oriented way, helps us to create deep connections in the brain. (To do this, put down distractions like your phone, so your attention is not divided!)

Time in - Quiet reflection, focusing on sensations, images, feelings and thoughts, helps integrate the brain (mindfulness, diary, scrapbooking is good, but watch out for over thinking and ruminating, which is not good self-care!)

Down time - Our culture doesn’t often support this, but non-focused time, where we relax or allow our minds to wander without a goal, help our brain recharge. For those who struggle, yoga nidra can be great for supporting this.

Play time - having fun, being spontaneous helps create new connections in the brain

Connecting time- in person connections with people and nature activates and reinforces the brain’s relational circuitry, and ventral vagal calming states.

(Note- I read an article on Substack this week referring to eco-regulation, but unfortunately forgot who wrote it to credit them)

Personalising your oxygen supply

If we think of all of these forms of self-care as the oxygen going into our masks necessary for our well-being, it can be helpful to check-in with ourselves. You might like to consider which of these needs you are doing well at meeting, and which you might be neglecting.

I feel like a broken record when I say, it’s all about balance. Finding the balance between these things that works for us. There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ when it comes to well-being. My rooibos relaxation is repulsive to someone else! Your invigorating walk to the top of a mountain ridge will kick my sympathetic nervous system into overdrive and unhealthy shut down!

We need to learn the right mix for our own masks.

Yesterday I was fortunate enough to start to the day with a shared sunrise meditation and dance. When I closed my eyes to start the guided meditation it was dark, and when I opened them, having imagined myself to be on a tropical island (oh what would that be like?!), the sky was full of pinking clouds. A flock of frigate birds flew directly in front of us, and burst me into joy!

If you haven’t seen a frigate bird do look them up, but please find a video of them flying. I’ve probably written this before, but they are beautiful sculptural birds, reminiscent of pterodactyls. Wikipedia says fossils have been found of species that are millions of years old!

I find them mesmerising = pure connection time.

We danced like no-one was watching, and I ticked off at least three or four items on my healthy platter by 7am- physical time, play time, connecting time, time in. As I got in my car and made the long drive back to the highway, my eye was caught by this…

Can you make out the faint lines of the double rainbow, just above?

A top up of connecting time from the oxygen mask!

Breathing it all in

It is not all sunshine and rainbows here in the Caribbean, as it is not anywhere else in the world at the moment. We can make some of our dreams come true, some of the time, but we cannot put the cloudy parts of life far behind us (even if we manage it for a bit to get through the toughest of times!).

Life is life, and our troubles do not melt like lemon drops, no matter how much we meditate, or distract ourselves with facials and good food. Home comforts have been part of my self-care- do you know the most important parts in yours?

Maybe you’d like to take some time this weekend, to consider what is most important for you. What needs to be on your self-care platter?

Don’t worry if you don’t know, and even if you do, maybe take a moment to see if there’s anything that’s dropped off in recent weeks. The lead up to Christmas is fraught with pressures, and we all need to stop to take a breath.

Often we have to try things out to find what works best for us. What we think we need, and will bring comfort is not always what is most meaningful to us. How often do we pause to check in with ourselves, asking,

How are you? What do you need right now?

What might you say to yourself?

One of the most beautiful responses I’ve received in answer to my morning greeting, ‘How are you?’ was,

‘I am blessed!’

The genuineness of this struck me like lightning, pulling me out of whatever reverie I was in that morning. I looked at the person who’s said it, and smiled. Whether you connect with the religious connotations of this or not, is this not a beautiful response? So much better than the more typical British ‘I’m fine’.

Those words came back to me when I looked across at the rainbow.

I am blessed!

Indeed.

Three months in, I can see which items I have brought and not used, and which are already wearing, or running out. I have considered what choices I might make differently another time, with my well-being and self-care in mind…

Despite being bright and sparkly like Dorothy’s famous red shoes, my much loved Converse low tops have been worn only once. I chose them for the Christmas carol concert last week, and discovered that without the protection of ankle high socks that were standard wear in the UK, those pretty shoes wreck my feet!

In retrospect, I definitely should’ve brought the Ghds.

Thank you for reading Willow Blooms. I hope it allows you to slow down over the next few weeks and take a moment for self-compassion, whatever that looks like for you.