Leaping into the unknown
Willow Blooms #17 Serendipity and synchronicity
When I left the NHS I did not know what I was going to do for work, so I made a blind leap of faith that something would catch me on the other side. Whilst there have been obvious challenges, I am grateful for the freedom this brave decision has afforded me. And the new opportunities.
The common spoken idiom I’ve written about before is more true than ever- As one door closes, another opens. It sounds so simple with the passive voice of the door closing, as if without effort. Whilst there are lifechanging events that can mean a door closes whether we like it or not, there are plenty of other doors which we make the decision to close ourselves, and this is often far from easy. They sometimes put up resistance, and require a lot of pushing! This article is about the serendipity and synchronicities that can occur when we are brave enough to engage with the discomfort.
The end of my contractual employment happened to coincide with the start of a new group for women, answering my immediate question of what I would do with my time. The advertising said that it was a course for women to bring their ideas to life. It would support participants to learn and develop the entrepreneurial skills and confidence to do so. This might be writing a funding application, a business plan, marketing a service, or a one off event, they said.
All of these things were music to my ears, but one statement stood out-
prioritising action and avoiding procrastination
When it comes to new, scary things, how do you approach them? I have often been accompanied by procrastination, and when I considered the possibility of signing up for the women’s business group, there was something I knew I would benefit from support to get off the ground. Prioritising action was just the thing.
My therapeutic writing dream
I have been interested in writing for well-being for a number of years, wanting to offer therapeutic writing groups or online courses using creative writing. I have always been held back. I could say this is because few creative approaches to therapeutic work are NICE approved (National Institute of Health and Care Excellence) so there was little support to do this in my NHS work, but if I’m honest with myself, that’s only part of the story. Plenty of people offer therapeutic writing groups outside of the NHS, and however I wrap it up, the procrastination is mine to own.
Professor Windy Dryden has written about possible factors underlying procrastination in his book Overcoming Procrastination (2000). He says that reasons might include one or all of the following-
Avoidance of discomfort, avoidance of threat, resisting pressure to do things on someone else’s timescale, enjoying the last minute rush, being overcommitted, garnering sympathy or to get someone else to do a task for you.
As a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, Dryden focusses on the intrapsychic processes of the individual, the thoughts, and beliefs connected with the behaviour, rather than contextual influences. His approach is therefore to identify the unhelpful beliefs underlying procrastination behaviours. Having done so, he advises that these beliefs are questioned and challenged, with the aim of developing more helpful beliefs that support new (non-procrastinating) behaviour.
For instance, someone whose procrastination is fuelled by a fear of mistakes and the belief that mistakes make them (or make them feel?) a failure, the response to the unhelpful beliefs might be to ask, and challenge with the following-
1) Does this really indicate that I am a failure, or might it just show that I am imperfect, just like everyone else?
2) What will the likely consequence be of not trying at all?
3) What would you say to a friend in the same situation? Would you tell them not to try? Would you tell them they were a failure if it didn’t work out perfectly?
4) Is failing at this task, or one bit of it, the same as failing as a person?
5) You might think it is better not to fail, but this is an opinion. Most people who achieve success have failed and overcome their failures.
Perhaps some of this resonates for you.
It can be difficult to identify underlying beliefs when they get hidden amongst anxiety. For instance, when I am afraid, the ‘What ifs’ often race through my mind, whipping things up like a whirlwind. It can be hard to still them, and rather than engaging, and trying to ‘fight’ them (which can make the storm linger on), I may need to respond with gentle acceptance that they are there, and mindful watching and waiting for the storm to subside. These ‘What ifs’ are usually trying to protect me from something that a part of me is afraid of. Irrational though this fear might be, we cannot always conquer fear with reason, especially when we try at our most frightened. First we need compassion, reassuring ourselves that we are safe to calm the storm.
Quieter is the voice that asks Dryden’s challenging questions in the background, full of compassion-
‘Is the responsibility for safety solely on you, or do you think people will be practiced at keeping themselves safe too?’
‘Holding space for people to bring their feelings is your hope in this! How can you set some boundaries and support around this?’
‘Does one person not liking the group mean it’s not worth doing?’
‘What if it is a tremendous success, and most people absolutely love it!’
‘What if you love it?!’
Our ‘What ifs’ are rich with imagined ideas about the future, but they are typically biased towards potential threats rather than positive outcomes. We only know for sure how something will turn out, and if we like something new if we try it.
The quiet voice adds encouragement-
‘Maybe it’s time to find out!’
The honeysuckle in my garden has been covered in aphids every year that I can remember, preventing it from growing. Look at it after I cut it back hard last autumn! So much is blooming around me.
Taking leaps
Tara Mohr offers a different approach to the fear and self doubt that can sit beneath procrastination. I was introduced to the concepts in her 2015 book Playing Big (aimed particularly towards women), in a workshop developed and led by Jennifer Lachs, Climate Coach. Jennifer emphasised the importance of taking ‘leaps’, which Mohr defines as ‘actions that get us playing bigger right now’.
The goal in playing big, is to listen to your dreams rather than your fears.
And so it was that I made an application for the course. After all, when making new ground, and taking big leaps into the unknown, we do not always feel comfortable. We have to enter the discomfort of the unknown, and the difficult. It can sometimes help to really simplify it. When we try something new, there are generally two outcomes. Either you fall flat on the ground and have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, reflect on what just happened, and use that experience to make a decision about what next, or, you learn to fly. The ‘What ifs’ generally don’t focus on the flying.
Either way, there is movement in the action, meaning that we do not remain frozen in the same spot, tormented by procrastination.
Synchronicity
Have you ever had one of these moments where everything seems aligned? What sense have you made of this, if any?
Bernard Beitman, visiting professor at the University of Virginia, researches and writes about meaningful coincidences. In an article in Psychology Today, published in November 2023, he refers to how we notice the coincidence of the combination of two events in time, and the meaning we might make of this. Some would call it serendipity and synchronicity, as if there is a deeper meaning to the combination of the events, whilst others would call it coincidence, and others do not notice the concurrence of the events at all. Carl Jung introduced the concept of synchronicity in the 1920s, where events ‘appear meaningfully related yet lack a causal connection’ (Laura Kerr, 2013 cited in Wikipedia). If I understand the distinctions correctly, rather than this indicating a belief in magical thinking, where there is thought to be a paranormal causal link (e.g. I wish it to happen, therefore it happens), Jung suggested that these events happen by ‘meaningful chance’, but the meaning is subjective. His ideas are contested, but Jung proposes that synchronicity provides insight into an individual’s internal states.
Beitman says that people with a heightened capacity to self-observe, who link their thoughts and feelings with their social and cultural environment are more likely to notice the synchronicities in their life. I would guess that writers and the psychologically minded and curious, are more likely to be amongst this group. Your answer to my questions at the start of this section might shed light on where your tendency lies.
We can all make mistakes, Beitman explains (as if there is some way of knowing the absolute truth in something subjective!). He says people see links between events, or patterns, where they do not exist, and miss patterns that are likely to be there. He gives examples of these errors in his article, if you want to delve into the idea more. What I found interesting, and on reflection is not surprising, is that there is a correlation between a tendency to explore meaning in life and to search for meaning in coincidences (Coleman and Beitman, 2009). The more we look for meaning in life, the more likely we are to see meaning in coincidences.
The meaning I made of the coincidence that this group closely followed the end of my employment contract was synchronicity. I did not know what I wanted to do next, and it was as if I had been given a firm nudge towards something new and brave (If you’ve read and loved Elizabeth Gilbert books Eat, Pray, Love, or Big Magic, you might understand this seemingly strange interpretation too?!). I filled out the application, and was accepted onto the course.
Serendipity, synchronicity, coincidence? Do things happen entirely at random? Are things guided by a higher power, such as a God, a spirit, a purpose, or the Universe? I’m curious what helps you to feel confident in the big leaps that you make in life? Or, if not confident, brave enough to feel the fear and make the leaps anyway.
Into the unknown
There are so many questions and I certainly don’t have the answers to them, but I am grateful to have been able to start this course. Last week, we were all asked to set a goal, or make a commitment to ourselves that we would achieve by the next time we met. Today was the last day for me to complete that goal, and writing this article has given me the nudge I needed to complete it.
What was it?, you might be asking!
To take a leap towards my dream, by finding something that explains how writing can help with wellbeing. My commitment was to look on the Lapidus International website (the writing for wellbeing community) to find a quote that I could use to ‘legitimise’ the aims of my writing group. This afternoon I found one, with a link to what looks like a very helpful guidance document.
Creative Practices for Wellbeing - Practice Guidance Report (TS Eliot Foundation, 2019)
Using creativity for wellbeing has grown significantly over the years and is now becoming commonplace in many different contexts and settings, such as classrooms, workplaces, hospitals, hospices, community spaces, festivals, and even government. Evidence for the use of creative practices such as poetry, storytelling, or biographical writing to support recovery or promote personal development is long established and is growing, and demonstrates an incredible power and potential. Amidst this setting, and with the support of TS Eliot Foundation, The Old Possum’s Practical Trust, and the University of Chester, this guidance was developed to support practitioners in delivering effective and safe practice.
Thank you Lapidus- homework completed. And whilst looking around on the website I found a quote that jumped out at me, resonating with the theme of this piece;
When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
Audre Lorde- "The Cancer Journals", 1980
What I love about having studied English literature and psychology, is that there are always multiple perspectives on a situation. Unlike Dryden, Lorde focuses on the interpsychic processes that influence our behaviour, the meaning that is developed between people. The social expectations, the oppression, the stories that are told, who holds power, all of which influence our (sometimes limiting) beliefs about ourselves, often without our awareness. A pamphlet with Lorde’s essay "The Master's Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master's House", sits in my bookcase. In it she speaks of the need to be aware of our racist and patriarchal lens on the world and how it pits us against each other, and the need for new tools and systems. The Master’s tools are typically individualistic, and ignore the roots of the social difficulties, with a tendency to pathologize the individual, rather than interrogate and disrupt structural inequality (see Bowleg, 2021 for discussion and citations about this). I see how this raises difficult questions about our current models and approaches to well-being, and understanding of what holds us back, or limits us.
It is perhaps understandable to procrastinate, held back by ‘What ifs’, when your strengths have been offered in service of others, rather than of your own dreams. When microaggressions and macroaggressions have clipped our wings, or cage us, it is understandable that we lose faith in our ability to fly. Like Dryden and Mohr, Lorde likes action. She encourages big action, and says we need to step outside of the existing frameworks, to challenge oppression together. The quote above speaks of how we might overcome the fears keeping us frozen by focussing on our vision. Like Mohr in taking leaps, fear can be overcome when we tap into our own personal power, Lorde says. When we listen to, and start to serve our inner calling, rather than pleasing all the people and systems around us, we become our own lighthouse.
It reminds me of some of the powerful conversations that have taken place between the women in the group. The course, as advertised, has been a place to learn skills to bring our ideas to life, but perhaps more importantly, it has provided a safe space where we have been able to connect, share our fears, listen to our own inner callings, and nurture our personal dreams. We have seen that our fears and blocks are not reflective of personal failings, but embedded in shared experiences that seeded limiting beliefs. Many, if not all of us, have discovered a part of us which has needed to be encouraged to come out of the shadows. A part which has needed care, and nourishment, to take what feel like big leaps towards our dreams.
This is not easy. Often when we dare to face our fears, we come up against the limitations or expectations that have been placed on us, some of which we may not have been consciously aware. The beauty of the women’s group is that we have been able to be vulnerable, to see our shared experiences, and experience the support between us. It is not always comfortable, but it is potentially transformational. We have been daring to be powerful together.
My next significant leaps are to plan some writing sessions with local groups. I think I have found in Lorde’s quote, a potential prompt for my first writing session for women.
‘What if’, I hear myself asking, ‘this fear tips into excitement?’
‘There’s only one way to find out’, I reply, with a smile.
I wonder if any of this resonates with you? What holds you back from following your dreams? Are you a procrastinator? Does Lorde’s quote, or Mohr’s leaping inspire action in you? Please share any leaps you have made, or would like to make, and I’ll keep you posted about mine!
Thank you readers, for all of your support in cutting back the aphids. I hope you have a great and blooming week.