Butterflies

NOTE: Trigger warning- reference to death by suicide, within a post full of joy and celebration of life.

I wasn’t planning on writing today, but here I am.

I’ve completed my first running event on the island and as my body is not used to running in 28 degree heat I’d intended to come home, take a shower, and then a nap before going about my day.

Then I noticed that it’s a year since I started on Substack, and my ego decided it was worth marking. So the compromise is that I’ve come to write very briefly, hopefully having time for a brief nap later. We shall see how that goes…

Happy First Birthday Willow Blooms!

I started it all with a line from East Coker, the second of TS Eliot’s Four Quartets,

In my end is my beginning

I wasn’t sure if I would be able to commit to writing consistently, mindful that it can be difficult to sustain something new. But I didn’t need to doubt myself. I’ve shown up for a year of writing about compassion-based approaches to wellbeing, writing, and nature, even with an unexpected and rather stressful move from the UK to the Caribbean thrown in the middle.

We somehow always come back to the things that are important to us. Other than friends and family, what are the things that help keep your balance in life? For me it’s writing, nature, reading, swimming, running, and good food that I keep coming back to.

47 weeks out of 52 is a pretty impressive turnout, all things considering. Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Running

I’ve written about my love of running, and the community that I found in parkrun and the wellbeing that many people gain from these events. so it was a disappointment at first to learn that there is no Cayman parkrun, but now the prospect of running every Saturday at 9 am holds little appeal. I’d much rather be in the pool, but I do miss running. Today I was fortunate to have the opportunity of a place in a 5 km run and walking event.

I thought to myself that I would walk it, but it seems that I am far too conditioned to run, for this to have had much chance of happening. A race of any kind often invites these kinds of thoughts-

Just nudge past the one in front

Don’t let the one behind catch you up

My experience is that always in the final stretch, people start speeding up in the hope of shaving a few seconds from the finish time, and nudging past a couple more people. To finish the race satisfied.

But today’s race was about something bigger than that- remembering Addison Kelly, a 16 year old who lost her life to suicide on 8th February 2022, and raising money for a scholarship in her name. The scholarship aims to ‘help Camanians pursue further education in the mental health field’, which I understand had been Addison’s own dream. Although she was not able to achieve it herself, the money raised in her name will support other young people to do so, transforming the terrible loss of Addison into something positive for another child, or young person.

If you’d like to read more about Addison and the charity’s work, you can follow the link in the photo.

There was a party atmosphere today, with music and laughter, adults and children; butterflies and wings everywhere. These symbols of transformation were joyful, and made everything feel magical. Many of us started the race with butterfly transfers on our bodies, and ran with colourful wings on our backs and the medal we received at the end is one of the most beautiful I have had (and despite many years of running races I usually do not care for medals!).

The light shines through it.

At the end of the race, I paused to look at the wall of names of people lost to suicide, and consider the care taken to ensure they too were acknowledged at this special event. Life is precious but can also be so hard for people to live through. The unwritten question on that wall was, how do we hold people through their struggles?

I do not have a simple answer, but Mary Oliver is a poet that I return to time and time again. As she said;

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

We may not be able to take the pain away, but hopefully we can shine enough light on the darkness to help keep it bearable.

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Contemplating my choice to write instead of rest, I know I am being led by my left brain, and my ego, and not the soft compassion that I have tried to cultivate towards myself. It is ok to work towards our goals and do a little more as long as alongside we have a compassionate response that pauses to listen to our body’s needs and capacity, and where necessary eases us back. In an environment where we are constantly encouraged to push, it is always important to ease back. We are not high performance cars, we are living breathing beings.

There is a time to push, and a time to relax.

Today’s a day to do both.

So that’s it from me for now. Sending you love, and butterflies.

In my beginning is my end.

In my end is my beginning.

Link